A Post for All My Lazy F*cks

As long as we’re being honest here, I have to tell you – I do not look good everyday.  In fact, a couple of days a week, I don’t even try to look decent.

I see a lot of really lovely OOTD (Outfit Of The Day) posts on other blogs, and I can say without pause that I will never be that girl.  Wanna know why?  Because my Outfit Of The Day is often a tank top, socks, undies and MAYBE some pants, if it’s cold.  I am seriously fantastic at slumming.

In achieving my (ugly) cocoon state, I rely on these staples:

  1. Old t-shirt or tank top.  Old is comfy.  If not old, then Local Celebrity, because they use a cotton jersey that feels like a damn baby seal’s fur.  Super soft, amusing graphics, and lady-shaped (the key  to not looking like a moping pile of rags on lazy days.)
  2. Honeydew lace trim rayon/spandex undies.  Seriously the best combination of good-looking and comfy available.  (Even the LACE is soft and stretchy!) They come in about a million exciting color combos, so you’ll never be bored.  The only drawback is they’re not dryer-friendly.
  3. Socks, if necessary.  I don’t especially love socks, but I HATE dry heels.  After slathering some lotion on my feet, I can either put socks on, or walk around leaving lotion footprints and collecting lint and crumbs.  So, ok, socks.  Juicy Couture knee socks are what’s up.  They’re like a sock bred with a slipper – super warm and thick.  When I’m at home, they’re substitute pants.. and when I travel someplace cold, I pack a week’s worth – because these things will SAVE YOUR LIFE on the East coast!
  4. I’m not saying this tee-underwear-sock combo is a good look (let me be the first to tell you, it is absolutely not), but add a pair of pants and you’re passable.  Just passable enough to answer the door for the UPS guy.  I go with Juicy Couture velour pants (in the original leg style – the UPS guy doesn’t care if I have “skinnies” or “flares” on.)  Ridiculously comfortable pants.  Like wearing a blanket on each leg.

I get away with a day or two of this per week because I’m a freelancer, and because keeping the house cleaned can keep me home for a solid day a week.  For the laziest dressers ever, this is a 5-second morning – cover up what needs covering, and get on with the day.

Living in LA and considering myself a “real” adult, I can’t bring myself to wear sweats in public any more.  I have no shame about shuffling around my house in my dirtball get-up, but I have an invisible line drawn at the front door.  Real pants for the mailbox, no exceptions.

I’m all about the girls who can pull off the pj’s-in-public look, though.. so if that’s you, OWN IT!  I know in college this would’ve been a maximum effort show-stopper of an outfit for me.

M

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Rifling under my bathroom sink for a lipliner, I realized it was time for some late spring cleaning.  My favorite eyeshadows went unused because they had sunken under impulse buys and lipstick colors that looked better in-store.  I built up momentum with a Hoarders marathon, and rampaged heartlessly through my collection.  (This doesn’t include my everyday-use makeup or giant eyeshadow palettes.. those are for another day.)

This is just the under-the-sink reserves!

With soulless eyes, I surveyed the piles on my bedroom floor.

Complexion:

For the record, the two MUFE foundations (#145 and #150), are for my varying levels of tan.


Eyeshadows:

Eyeliners and Mascara:

Lipstick:

And after much thought,

You’re OUT:

  • Urban Decay loose pigment eyeshadow in Gunmetal – brown eyes with grey shadow isn’t flooring me
  • Two old NYC Liquid Eyeliners in brown and black
  • Unused Tokidoki for Smashbox eyeshadow palette – sherbet pastels are NOT doing me any favors, but the packaging was cute enough to fool me
  • Lancome eyeshadow duo (a freebie of the past)
  • Revlon Just Bitten Lipstain in Dawn and Fate – both extremely unflattering
  • L’Oreal Voluminous Carbon Black Mascara – recently featured as a SKIP item
  • Maybelline Volum’ Express One By One Mascara – bought it because the brush looked cool, but ended up completely lackluster
  • Urban Decay Big Fatty Mascara in Electric Blue (what was I even thinking?)
  • Benefit Boi-ing Concealer in 02 Light/Medium – much prefer MUFE’s color choices
  • Sally girl bronzer/highlighter
  • Two Jane Eye Zings that look bright in the pot, but work like My Little Pony’s eyeshadows (not at all)
  • An old dark red lipstick that I didn’t even bother to read
  • Mini Murad skin perfecting lotion

I used my Hulk-like fists to gather the handfuls of rejects.  Without a second look, they were gone.  And looking back on it via blog post, I can see that my “ruthless” spring purge barely made a dent.

Next time.

M

10-second review: Sephora Hot Hues Neon Lip Balm

Sephora Hot Hues Lip Balm should really be called Sephora x Jell-O collab for a couple of reasons:

1. This stuff looks like a finely cast gelatin mold – the kind sold next to the fancy deli meats at the grocery store.

2. It makes your lips look like you just went hogwild on some 1990’s Jell-O jigglers (don’t look at me like I’m the only one who’s done it).

It takes a few good swipes to build up some color (even then, it’s far from “Funky Fuchsia”).  I documented the first four coats for you.  If you’re funky enough to go for five, let me know how it turns out.

It’s a balm I’ll keep in my purse or car for those lips-like-a-corpse emergencies, but it’s definitely not the best stuff I know about.  It’s not especially moisturizing (for looking so jiggly, it’s about as solid as a cheap lipstick) or wow-inducing, but it’s cheap as hell and can bump you up to free shipping if you’re teetering on the edge.

Get it while it’s around, $3 at Sephora  and now available only in Hot Pink & Crazy Coral.

M

Battle of the Primers

Primer makes my face look nice.  My first go at using a foundation primer was at my wedding, when I was assured it would keep my makeup in place for several hours of photos, hugs and cake.  It did, but I wasn’t visually overwhelmed with the difference.  In fact, I didn’t REALLY buy into it until the weather started heating up.  Foundation sat streaky on my shiny cheeks and forehead, and clung to my sunglasses when I took them off.. sheer terror.

That’s when I decided to take a few primers into a head-to-head battle royale.  I haven’t declared a winner yet (and I’ve got handfuls of primer samples waiting in my bathroom), but let me introduce you to my current contestants:

Make Up For Ever HD Primer

Pros:

  • Smells faintly like bubble solution.  Could also be considered a con, if you hate bubbles and childhood joys.
  • Colorless
  • Satiny texture that smooths skin, and makes blending easy

Cons:

  • On the pricier side.  $34 for the big guy, $16 for this lipgloss-sized tube.

Laura Mercier Foundation Primer – Radiance

Pros:

  • Adds a pretty glow to skin
  • Smooth texture, easy to brush foundation over it

Cons:

  • Pretty glow is mostly covered up when you layer foundation on top
  • “Glow” can easily come off as “greaseball” if you’re naturally oily or sweaty.
  • $30 for 1.7 oz

Sephora ‘Tricks of the Trade’ Anti-Shine Primer

Pros:

  • A bargain – currently on sale for $5 at Sephora
  • COMPLETELY matte face after applying – only a “pro” if you’re into that look

Cons:

  • Heavily scented and smells like Axe body spray (in a bad way, if that isn’t clear.)
  • Bizarre, sticky-dry texture, like Elmer’s school glue
  • Foundation just sits on top – this primer doesn’t allow for blending at all!

Rimmel London Fix & Perfect Foundation Primer

Pros:

  • Lightly tinted, so it evens out complexion even before applying foundation
  • Feels light, smooth, and non-greasy
  • Rather inexpensive indeed – $6.59 on sale at Ulta now

Cons:

  • Tinted primer takes a little more attention to apply evenly (can’t blindly slather it on in the morning like colorless)
  • Medium-colored tint works fine on my skin, but would probably be harsh on lighter complexions

For now, my daily go-to’s are MUFE and Rimmel London.  Sephora “Tricks of the Trade” is headfirst in the trash can, but I’m going to regret it if I ever need to sop up an oil slick in a hurry.

What about you, ‘net friends?  What’s your primer of choice this Memorial Day Weekend?

M


Splurge, Steal, or Skip – Mascara

The Splurge: Smashbox Hyperlash

Hyperlash loses a couple of points because it’s not waterproof (and I just can’t predict when my face might be wet) but it’s still my favorite mascara yet.  It’s light enough to avoid clumps and stickiness, and it brushes on evenly.  The tiny comb lengthens and thickens just enough to look like really, really great natural lashes.  $21 at Ulta.com


The Steal: Maybelline Full N Soft Waterproof

The one and only waterproof mascara that doesn’t leave my lashes as crunchy as Tostitos.  Maybelline Full ‘N Soft is great for lengthening and defining.  It’s not the plumpest of formulas, but I know that once it’s on, it’s staying… very, very important for summer nights.

$3.99 on Amazon.com, or around $7 in drugstores

The Skip: L’Oreal Voluminous Mascara in Carbon Black

Yuck, L’Oreal Voluminous.  I could get the same effect by letting a toddler rub wet tar over my eyes.  Ok, it’s not THAT bad, but it’s sticky, heavy, and messy as hell.  My skimpy, fine eyelashes cry out in despair.  SKIP!

M

Freebie-Loader

I’ll be the first to admit I’m a straight-up sucker for gifts with purchase.  I love the thought of buying a couple of things, but getting A BOX FULL OF THINGS instead.  It’s a cheap thrill.  Or more accurately, a free thrill.

A lot of times, gifts with purchase are useless little samples designed to rope customers into spending money on something they don’t want.. but after loading up on hideous department store freebies as a teen, I’ve come up with a few rules for myself:

1. Always buy something useful to ‘earn’ the free item.

2. Don’t jump for the freebie unless it’s something I already like, or am very interested to try.

My best tip is to keep a shopping list of makeup and tools you use and replace regularly (for me it’s Clarisonic brush heads, Make Up For Ever foundation and concealers, nail files, new Essie polishes and hair products.)  When some amazing gift with purchase comes up, I have a legitimate NEED to spend the money and earn some free swaaaag.

And with that, I announce my two newest freebie shipments from Clinique and Sephora.  (I should have posted on this sooner, since I think the Clinique promo is over.. sorry homies!)

Here’s my Sephora haul:

I spent, I think, around $40 on this fine array.  I bought the Make Up For Ever concealer, Sephora primer (now entering the ring in my primer battles – more on that later), Tokidoki nail tattoos (can’t stop loving the cuteness) and the Sephora Hot Hues neon lip balm.  My three free samples were the Dior serum, MUFE HD primer (I already use it, but this little packet will be handy for traveling), and a daily face peel.  I got the Fresh Sugar Kisses duo free as a birthday gift, and the Benefit Bella Bamba blush free with 100 Sephora Beauty Insider points.  The Tokidoki eyeshadow (in Diamante) was a gift with $25 purchase promo.

And then there was Clinique.  I can’t find their eyeshadow duo in Coffee Shop in any store anywhere, but the colors are so good with my skin.  They’re the perfect warm neutrals, and I will love them til the night closes in.  Clinique has such killer gifts with purchase that I added the eye makeup remover SORT OF on a whim.  I’ve been half-assedly looking for one, and Clinique’s had great reviews.

So for a total of around $45, I got these bad boys PLUS a fancy bag full of excitement.

What’s in there, you say?  Another eyeshadow duo (Lucky Penny and Chocolate Chip), Moisture Surge Intense, Repairwear Laser Focus, All About Eyes Serum mini rollerball, Lash Doubling Mascara, and the ol’ Chubby Stick in Mega Melon.  Yessss.

My favorite things about freebies are that I get to try a bunch of new things, and they’re usually small enough to stuff in my purse.  Also, I like that they are free.

With that, let me point you toward Sephora.com for their “15 Days of Thrills” promotion… 12 days left with a new gift with purchase daily.  And Ulta.com‘s not looking too shabby with their 5-piece Philosophy gift set with purchase.  Get your freeloading on, friends.

M

A Lipstick Tale

I’ve only recently discovered why women are so fanatical about lipstick.  It’s dramatic, easy, and it takes the attention away from the rest of my face when I’m too lazy to really DO my makeup.  Ultimate score.

Thanks to Gwen Stefani and Dita Von Teese, I spent a few years (YEARS) trying to figure out how to wear red.  When I finally found one that wasn’t hideous on my skintone (Sephora rouge cream in The Red)… it still was.  As it turns out, I’m just not a red lipstick kind of girl.  It’s too serious for me –  it makes me look like I’m trying really, really hard – and that shit is not attractive.  So, on to the next.

I started with a handful of 99 cent Wet N’ Wild brand lipsticks – a casualty of a bored saunter through CVS.  I tried on light pinks, orchids, nudes and burgundies, and I did it when no one was home.  It was a horror show.  But somewhere in the mix, I found #521A – Fuchsia with Blue Pearl.

Stay with me, because I know the color description sounds awful.  I wore it to a football party (because I knew the standards would be low) and it was met with rave reviews.  Rave reviews mixed with looks of pity when I announced it was “Wet N Wild” brand.  But HEY, 99 cents, man.

P.S. I realize it’d probably help to flash a couple of pictures of this stuff on my face, but at the moment I don’t have any.  Photos to come, pinky swear.

M

Good Face, Step 1

If you haven’t heard about the Clarisonic brush, let’s talk about it.

Clarisonic Mia 2

I was completely unaware of it until last year, when it exploded into my magazines, my Sephora account, and even onto spa service menus (total esthetician cop-out, I say).  After reading the reviews on Sephora, I snatched up a light pink Mia 2.  It’s a little handheld thing with a soft brush (replacement heads vary in softness) that kind of vibrates when you turn it on.  It’s waterproof, so you can use it in the shower, and it’s rechargeable – so no scrounging for batteries in your emergency flashlights.  You can use it with any cleanser, and even gentle exfoliants.

My skin was completely decent before I used it, but afterwards – wow.  It’s corny, but I actually felt the difference after the first use.  Softer, smoother-looking skin with much smaller pores… amazing.  I tried to use it on my husband for weeks, to no avail.  (His loss.)  At a wedding, a friend wiped a lipstick kiss off my cheek and shrieked, “Your skin is SO SOFT!”  Clarisonic, homie.

The point is: if you want people to grab at your face with excitement, the Mia 2 should be in your skincare regimen.  It’s not the cheapest tool on the market ($149 with replacement brush heads $20 each) but totally worth it, in my opinion.

M

Nature’s First Post is Awkward

Good morning, interwebs, let’s chat.

I’d like to start out by warning you – I’m not a writer, a writing enthusiast, or a journalism major.  I AM a happily relentless consumer, a beauty junkie, a shameless Martha Stewart magazine subscriber, and an upstanding full-time internet inhabitant.  I run my house like a test kitchen (and test living room, bedroom, and bathroom).  I wage wars among my cleaning supplies in a silent quest to find the greatest “stuff” possible.

I started this blog to share the battle, and announce the victors.  (I know.  Now that I’ve started, I can’t let go of this medieval theme.)  My realm of knowledge isn’t too specific; let me give you an idea of what you’ll find reviewed here:  Shoes. Household cleaners. Nail polish. Fonts. Hilarious websites. Makeup. Recipes. Music.

I hope you’ll be impressed.

M